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Welcome to two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun.
Thursdaaaay. In case you were wondering - with the upping of this update my work week is pretty much over which means my spirits are higher than something that’s really high. That said, I absolutely will have shit to do tomorrow but the pressure of hitting deadline is hereby over.
I'm just going to swing straight in to a thorough wrap of what's been going on over my way. Why? Oh didn’t you get the email? The one where I said it's my website and I'll write whatever I like and if you don't like it... you can scroll down for the content.
Friday was the start of a ridiculously hectic three days. The other half had booked the weekend solidly for a worthy cause - her birthday. Basically there were three main events, each with a different circle of friends. But we'll get to that. The morning kicked off with exercise then more chiropractic abuse. Have been at it for about a month now and this is the first time in years I haven’t been sore somehow/somewhere. Almost a strange feeling - think I got so used to being in pain all the time that it just becomes normal. Next was a brief sojourn to the travel agent and finally signoff on the very, very, very protracted travel plans. Won't rehash again because believe me it will be covered in greater detail come October. Something fo you guys to look forward to right? From there were a bunch of errands and tasks that warrant no dedication of space on a page suffice to say birthday present was sourced, flowers acquired, grocery items procured and favours completed.
Left the house around 5ish to head to a bar just outside the CBD. We'd been there a few weeks back for breakfast and it fucking sucked. I figured that a bar which opened for the morning crowd was just trying to make some extra bucks and kind of excused them for it however the after work drinks and dinner service was a very thorough lesson on how to make people never come back again. This of course isn't Urban Spoon though so I'll move on to the highlight of the night - the cab ride home. Firstly, the 10 minute trip cost $28. No wonder people drink and drive. Secondly, the f-tard cab driver managed to cut some guy in a 4wd off to the point even I wanted to punch him. What followed was a demonstration of incredibly aggressive driving - he got in front of us, jammed on brakes, blocked us at traffic lights and swerved all over the road. The cabbie meanwhile said this has happened to him before but he wasn’t sure why. "Drivers are crazy". Mr White Pathfinder on Hay Street last Friday night - you made my day.
Began Saturday early for I'm not sure why, and after collecting the GF's vehicle from where we were the night before, it was off to coffee up at a café that's opened up near home. Believe me I was as shocked as anyone that it was actually pretty good. Next stop - Nissan. Inspired by the getting home incident the night previous I added Nissans to the list of prospective new rides. It was homeward from there to take in various happy birthday-wishers and mostly just hang out. A bigger, drunker, colder night kicked off around 7 marking the inaugural scarf wearing for the year. Dinner at a suburban pizza bar with much red wine consumed before being dropped at the nearest pub to home to carry on. Everything gets a bit hazy from that point. I remember chatting with my bestie, throwing my wallet across the room to the GF to get us drinks and staggering home. Also recall almost falling through the bedroom window and then almost through the glass wardrobe door trying to get undressed. Great night.
Woke up feeling not all that bad the next day. That changed quickly requiring vast quantities of Red Bull and aspirin to recover from what had the makings of an epic hangover. Thankfully the day's activities included little more than sitting at a riverside restaurant eating, chatting and avoiding anything alcoholic. All up a pretty awesome weekend. Can I have another one please?
Alright enough. Let us proceed with an update that -in my opinion- comes fucking close to rivalling the extravaganza that was last week. It's good enough that I'd be surprised if anyone makes it to the bottom without molesting themselves at least a couple of times. Check it...
Like A Drug - Smashing Vinyl - Sofia Vegara - Loading Ball Larry - Now You See It - Moolionairs? - Lez Centipedes
Miley Side Boob - So Random - Such A Cutie - I'm Late!! - No Shame - Awkwarrrd - Sweet 18 - Ballerinas - BJ Fails
Messed Up - Owned Bitch - Great GF - Kelly Brook - Very Big Tits - Emo Babe - Real Deal - No Vaj - Tweet This!!
How come all paedophiles look pretty much the same? Big beard, glasses, greasy hair... what is it about that look that kids find so attractive?
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I was listening to the radio this morning when the host invited callers to reveal the nicknames they had for their wives. Best call was from the guy who called his wife 'Harvey Norman'. Why...? No interest for 48 months.
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"So if Robin Gibb is dead, who will sing "Staying Alive"?
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I locked my keys in my car outside of an abortion clinic the other night. It turns out they get really pissed when you go in and ask them for a coat hanger
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Every time my wife and I want to have sex, we have to say the code word 'washing machine'. 'The other night I leant over to her in bed and said "Washing machine". She said "Sorry babes, I'm too tired, maybe tomorrow". After 10 minutes she felt guilty so she turned over, and whispered in my ear "Washing machine". I said, "Sorry love, it was only a small load so I did it by hand".
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Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mum that the boys keep asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at doing them. Mom said : "YOU should say NO - they only want to look at your undies". Susie said "I know they do... that's why I hide them in my backpack!"
ORSM
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ACTUAL NEWS HEADLINES FROM AROUND THE WORLD
-MAN KILLS SELF BEFORE SHOOTING WIFE AND DAUGHTER
If nothing else, he was talented.
-PLANE TOO CLOSE TO GROUND, CRASH PROBE TOLD
Surprisingly, this is a common cause of plane crashes.
-SOMETHING WENT WRONG IN JET CRASH, EXPERT SAYS
No, really? Ya think?
-DRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE
Sounds uncomfortable.
-POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUN DOWN JAYWALKERS
Now that's taking things a bit far!
-PANDA MATING FAILS; VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER
Let's hope he can do it!
-SQUAD HELPS DOG BITE VICTIM
I'm pretty sure there's a law against that.
-MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
-JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT
If all else fails...
-WAR DIMS HOPE FOR PEACE
I can see where it might have that effect!
-TEACHER STRIKES IDLE KIDS
Probably shouldn't have been standing there.
-IF STRIKE ISN'T SETTLED QUICKLY, IT MAY LAST A WHILE
Ya think?!
-NEVER WITHHOLD HERPES INFECTION FROM LOVED ONE
Sharing is caring.
-COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPERATURES
Who would have thought!
-END TO FREE SCHOOL LOOMS
Long past due in my opinion.
-EYE DROPS OFF SHELF
Poor vision blamed.
-ENFIELD (LONDON) COUPLE SLAIN; POLICE SUSPECT HOMICIDE
They may be on to something!
-BRITISH LEFT WAFFLES ON FALKLAND ISLANDS
How dare they!?
-REAGAN WINS ON BUDGET, BUT MORE LIES AHEAD
That’s how politics works isn't it?
-RED TAPE HOLDS UP NEW BRIDGES
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape? Oklahoma's new construction program!
-SOVIET VIRGIN LANDS SHORT OF GOAL AGAIN
Well it's not something you should rush. First time should be special right?
-MAN STRUCK BY LIGHTNING: FACES BATTERY CHARGE
He probably IS the battery charge!
-PROSTITUTES APPEAL TO POPE
He is human after all.
-KILLER SENTENCED TO DIE FOR SECOND TIME IN 10 YEARS
Are they going to dig him up...?
-NEW STUDY OF OBESITY LOOKS FOR LARGER TEST GROUP
Weren't they fat enough?!
-IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS
Can't be greedy about these things.
-ASTRONAUT TAKES BLAME FOR GAS IN SPACECRAFT
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
-FARMER BILL DIES IN HOUSE
Poor Bill.
-TWO SOVIET SHIPS COLLIDE, ONE DIES
Poor little ship.
-KIDS MAKE NUTRITIOUS SNACKS
Do they taste like chicken?
-SURVIVOR OF SIAMESE TWINS JOINS PARENTS
Old habits die hard I guess.
-LOCAL HIGH SCHOOL DROPOUTS CUT IN HALF
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
-SAFETY EXPERTS SAY SCHOOL BUS PASSENGERS SHOULD BE BELTED
A bit harsh maybe...
-HOSPITAL SUED BY 7 FOOT DOCTORS
Boy, are they tall!
-STOLEN PAINTING FOUND BY TREE
I didn’t even realise the tree was looking.
-LUNG CANCER IN WOMEN MUSHROOMS
Can you still eat them...?
-TYPHOON RIPS THROUGH CEMETERY; HUNDREDS DEAD
Did I read that right?
-SHOT OFF WOMAN'S LEG HELPS NICKLAUS TO 66
Where do I get one??
| BLAKE AND IRINA ARE MAG-FUCKING-NIFICENT... |
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A priest hooks a huge fish. Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!" "Hey, mind your language!" says the priest. Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - it's a Fucker fish"
Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church.
"Look at this huge fucker" says the priest, spotting the bishop. "Language please! This is God's house" replies the bishop. "No, no - that's what this fish is called" says the priest. "Oh" says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that fucker and we could have it for dinner".
So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior. "Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?" he asks her. "My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked. "No, sister that's what the fish is called - a fucker" says the bishop. Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says "Wonderful, I'll cook that fucker tonight, the Pope is coming for dinner!"
The fish tastes just great and the Pope asks where they got it. "Well, I caught the fucker!" says the priest. "And I cleaned the fucker!" says the bishop. "And I cooked the fucker!" says the mother superior.
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says "You know what? You cunts are alright".
ORSM
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A man's car broke down as he was driving past a beautiful old monastery. He walked up the drive and knocked on the front door. A monk answered, listened to the man's story and graciously invited him to spend the night. The monks fed the man and led him to a tiny chamber in which to sleep. The man thanked the monks and slept serenely until he was awakened by a strange and beautiful sound.
The next morning, as the monks were repairing his car, he asked about the sound that had woken him. "We're sorry," the monks said, "We can't tell you about the sound. You're not a monk."
The man was disappointed, but eager to be gone, so he thanked the monks for their kindness and went on his way. During quiet moments afterward, the man pondered the source of the alluring sound.
Several years later the man happened to be driving in the same area. He stopped at the monastery on a whim and asked admittance. He explained to the monks that he had so enjoyed his previous stay, he wondered if he might be permitted to spend another night under their peaceful roof. The monks agreed, and so the man stayed with them again.
Late that night, he heard the strange beautiful sound. The following morning he begged the monks to explain the sound. The monks gave him the same answer as before. "We're sorry. We can't tell you about the sound. You're not a monk."
By now the man's curiosity had turned to obsession. He decided to give up everything and become a monk, for that was the only way he could learn about the sound. He informed the monks of his decision and began the long and arduous task of becoming a monk.
Seventeen years later, the man was finally established as a true member of the order. When the celebration ended, he humbly went to the leader of the order and asked to be told the source of the sound.
Silently, the old monk led the new monk to a huge wooden door. He opened the door with a golden key. That door swung open to reveal a second door of silver, then a third of gold and so on until they had passed through twelve doors, each more magnificent than the last.
The new monk's face was awash with tears of joy as he finally beheld the wondrous source of the beautiful mysterious sound he had heard so many years before...
But, I can't tell you what it was. You're not a monk!
| GET YOUR TITS OUT!! |
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Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Les's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Les's wife followed and asked "Did you see anything that you like under there?" Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $250".
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested. Sue told him that since her husband Les played golf Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2pm Friday.
When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Les's house at 2pm on the dot and, after paying Sue the agreed sum, went to the bedroom and closed their transaction. Jim quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Les came home from golf at 6pm and upon arriving, asked his wife "Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?" With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon". Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked "Did he give you $250?" Sue, using her best poker face, replied "Well, yes, in fact he did". Les, with a satisfied look on his face, continued "Good. He came by the golf club this morning and borrowed $250 from me. He promised he'd stop by this afternoon and pay me back".
| PERSONALISED CAR TRAILERS |
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READER MAIL
If you'd like to submit something to the Orsm mailbag then myself and maybe one or two others would be eternally grateful. You could also win an awesome prize but please bear in mind I have nothing to give away and winning any such prize will have absolutely nothing to do with me. Anyway, on the want list are crazy pics, messed up vids, ex-girlfriend pics, jokes or pretty much anything else you can attach to an email and send send hurtling down the internets. Juuuuuuuust click here and make it all happen.
Ronnie wrote:
Subject: who wants a gob video
Hello, Just saw the video and decided to see if there was any trouble the girls took for doing the video. Seems they got booted from school but the article doesn't say how long. Have a good one eh
Joke or not, can only imagine the girls parents reaction upon seeing the video. -Orsm |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: How The Fuck?
Hi, Mr Orsm. Here you can find how it's done. Please hide my details. Greetings from The Netherlands. |
xitz wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Proud Father!
I would call it being practical but that's not what's going on here... -Orsm |
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xitz wrote:
Subject: Labor Party Genius!
Could this be a Labor Party Genius!! Finally Labor has somebody that can organise a root in a brothel.
This won't make any sense to any non-Aussies but full marks have been awarded for being topical and clever. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: RM1.50
Rapper 50 Cent is known as RM 1.50 in Malaysia.
They're actually devaluing him. At todays rates it's more like USD $0.477555. Damn Greek crisis! -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Handicapped Ferrari
This Ferrari was parked straddling two handicapped spaces at Northstar Mall in San Antonio, Tx. The car did not display a handicap mirror tag or license plate so I presume it's just another rich arrogant prick with no respect for the law or handicapped needs. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: crap parking
here is a photo of some crap parking for you to stick in Random Shite or stick it in Readers Mail or you could Stick it up your arse for all I care. Hide my details. |
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Bill wrote:
Subject: Pass it on.
Mr. Orsm. Here's another version of the Time cover. Cheers! |
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Dave wrote:
Subject: McDonalds New Menu Item
Saw this on the scrolling marquee at a Mickey D's in Reed City Michigan.
I'll pass. Heard it's bad for guys. -Orsm |
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Colin wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Same Surgeon ??? |
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psycheman wrote:
Subject: photoshopped or not
Mr. Orsm, I'm going to send you some pics that might be photoshopped. Guess your fans will have to decide. Cheers! |
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uwe wrote:
Subject: nice car
hey mr orsm, THIS is ORSM. just waitin for the night to take the highway to hell.. greets from germany
Me like. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Whore Ex Photos
Hey, I have been enjoying your site for years and finally have something to contribute. Enjoy these photos of my slut ex. Please with hold my info.
Meh. -Orsm |
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Carsten wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Funny cards
Have recieved these a few dozen times so here you guy's go... -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: FA cup
I thought you might like to show your update how Perth celebrated Chelsea's FA cup win
Just about every time you go past she is dressed differently. Typical bloody woman. -Orsm |
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joe wrote:
Subject: Emailing
AFL memes
This one mostly for the Aussies too. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: pics
Here are some pictures of a ex gf from a couple of years back.. Enjoy! Please keep details private. like the site too... |
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Hank wrote:
Subject: racing at Knockhill Scotland 06 05 12
A few race shots from Knockhill Scotland on the 6th of may 2012. thanks again |
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Jd wrote:
Subject: Ultimate MAN dinner!!!
Nom nom nom nom ...... This would be nice, I would skip the bacon ... Like all the other ingredients ... Mmmmm – yummie ... LOL...
Epic. No other word for it. I must create one of these delicacies. -Orsm |
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Cathloser wrote:
Subject: Men in films
This is an incredibly clever piece of work wherein about 100 male film stars from the 1920s to the current day are morphed from one picture to the next. You haven't got long on each one so how many can you name? |
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Tony wrote:
Subject: Thick quiz contestants
Hi mate, Your collection of stupid quiz answers reminded me of this beauty. This was a regular Sunday programme on BBC Radio Merseyside (Liverpool) in the 1980s, called "Hold Your Plums". Presenter Billy Butler specialised in finding incredibly thick bastards and taking the piss out them mercilessly. This was one of many that had me and my mates rolling on the floor. |
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A wrote:
Subject: Show this!!
Hi again, please show my bird teasing me on the couch. More to come!!!
What a good girl. -Orsm |
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Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!
ORSM
VIDEO
A little boy wakes up in the middle of the night and walks into his parents room and sees them having sex. The little boy, traumatized, runs out of the room crying. "You should go check on him, that's really going to be something you need to explain," said the mother. The father laughed it off with a traditional "He will get over it" and continued to chuckle about the whole situation.
After some additional prodding from the mother the father agrees to go talk to the little boy. As he is walking down the hallway to his sons room he hears an empty thumping sound coming from his sons room. Thump - Thump - squish - Thump- Thump The father, very confused, slams the door open and sees his son balls deep, pounding the shit out of his grandmothers asshole. Just really going to town on it.
The father screams "What the fuck are you doing?" The boy replies "It's not so funny when it's your mum, is it!?"
| FUGLY AS FUCK... BUT LOVES THE COCK SOOO... |
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Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.
The first man was an Engineer, the second man an Accountant, the third a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his cat "T-square, do your stuff". T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said "Spreadsheet, do your stuff". Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.
Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff". Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.
Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said "What can your cat do?" The Government Employee called his cat and said "CoffeeBreak, do your stuff". CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, shat on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for workers comp, went home for the rest of the day on sick leave... AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!
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One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the sales person "HHow much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?" The salesperson answers "Which one do you mean, sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95".
Amazed, the father asks "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only
$19.95?"
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs and answers "Sir... Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls".
| GOT TIME FOR SOME ASIAN PERSUASION...? |
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A young Texan grew up wanting to be a law man. He grew up big, 6' 2' strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces. When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff's Department.
After a big mess of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy Bob finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview. The Chief Deputy said "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look real good, but we have what you might call an 'attitude suitability test' that you must take before you can be accepted. We just don't let anyone carry our badge son".
Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six lawyers, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six sex offenders and a rabbit". "Why the rabbit?" "Great attitude. You pass!" says the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"
ORSM
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And I am totally fucking done. Woooo. Okay maybe a slight overreaction but it's cold and I'm hungry. SO....
-Check out the site archives or you'll give you the AIDS.
-Next update will be next Thursday. It's a sure thing [like your sister].
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will embroil you in a huge scandal whereby you're accused of misusing Craig Thomson's credit card to hire prostitutes.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and blast this from the past. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
